royal rumble result

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royal rumble result

Post by patrickrowberry » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:07 am

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royal rumble result

Post by V900 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:24 am


0:00 (Match time in minutes)
Both Minilulz and Dani Cali come zipping out of their sides of the arena at mach 11, one actually trying to be aggressive and the other one camping harder than your average Melee Puff main (I'm looking at you Hbox you ledge-stalling fuck :v: love ya [in a completely heterosexual way] even tho there's 0 chance you're reading this). Where was I? Oh yeah, this snoozefest of a fight. Minilulz basically runs around the bases and Dani DeVito chases after. He even catches up a couple of times too! Except it doesn't do a whole lot of damage besides gently caressing the undersides of Minilulz's wheels. He tries so hard to jam all 0.5 inches of spike into Minilulz but to no avail. Next bot is about to come out and literally NOTHING has happened so far. I hope it's a good one! Oh okay it's sir grabs a lot. I wanted something interesting but that's fine too, I guess...

So Sir Who Gives A Shit comes out and even more nothing happens because he has no hope to the two robots pussyfooting around the arena! Not to mention the fact that he straight up said to just sit in a corner and watch while everyone else has all the fun. I guess he's into voyeurism, but don't worry I won't kinkshame. All in all great entries lads, I'm proud. Really am. In fact, I'm pretty sure this robot just straight up doesn't have wheels. Or like, any kind of locomotion at all. Normally, that would implicate it getting counted out immediately. But hey what do I know. Pat's massively superior intellect probably means he designed it with some bomb-ass hover technology, so that's what I'm going with. Next robot please!

Our next entrant to this mess is Mean Girls (you know, that movie from 2004?). Surely, SURELY this is going to be the point where something exciting happens, right?
"At the start, attempt to chase minilulz."
Well gosh golly fucking gee Wolf you've really outdone yourself this time. I'm sure that weapon with one whole point invested into it is totally going to "snipe" Minilulz. Yeah dude. BTW what's your dealers number? This fight deteriorates from Robot Wars to NASCAR with how many left turns everyone's making around the arena. Except for Pat, of course. He's just too smart. We're playing the fishing minigame from Club Penguin while he's playing 57 dimensional Rick and Morty-themed Rummikub.

Midnight Sunderland zips in thinking he's real hot shit, too bad he's "only" got 8 speed compared to the other 4/5 robots currently in the arena with double-digit speed. Good thing he didn't tell me which robots he'd specifically go after first in his wall-of-text strategy post! All the time you spent on that and you still made it near-unusable. Thanks for that. Anyway let's roll a d4 aaaaaaaand it goes after Mean Girl! Wow! LRA2 completely ruins the conga line which is a total dick move imo. I hadn't even gotten around to making a totally hilarious Yakety Sax joke yet. He actually does manage to flank Mean Girl, whose driver is too busy fitting 17 blunts into his mouth while really patting himself on the back for how well he's """epically 360 noscope sniped""" Minilulz so far. MS gets a good slam on the arena wall but let's be honest noone cares mate. Wolf didn't include anything in his RP about MS so I'm assuming he's going with the patented "mash everything on the controller until something works" technique. He gets off after like 5 seconds or whatever and oh hey new robot.

Surprise! It's a wedge! Like, aside from Gabe's bot literally named "Wedge.", null is about as close to entering a straight up doorstop into a competition as you're gonna get. He said the word "pit" so he goes for the pit button immediately like Goldenfox's favorite robot, Toughs as Nail, I guess. DC is still chasing Minilulz, but I guess he's out of breath or something because his robot just stops. Is he dead? Did his batteries run dry? Oh no nevermind he's just going to start spinning in place. Completely still, mind you. Because "Weapon: 0" = lol

Ikea's Guard Dog rolls out, and this is when things start to go to shit. Putting 7 robots in the arena causes massive clusterfucks? No way!! Mean Girl tries to go for some JFK snipe tricks except whoops his 6WD robot without any kind of pressing or hinged wedge can't get under anything. Imagine my shock. MS ends up pushing him into the pit, and DC gets flipped UPSIDE DOWN after charging at null! So brave. Ikea and MS have a shoving match that Minilulz ramps off of and crashes somewhere around where Sir Has Done Literally Nothing The Entire Match is and RKO OUTTA NOWHERE! Pat's bot finally does something! All those years studying quantum physics and rocket science have finally paid off! He actually manages to do minor damage with the weapon! Exclamation point! But wait, there's more. He takes Minilulz to the flame pit and roasts the heck outta him. And then, Pat roasts Brad in real life! "yuo're mom is fta and gay aslo licke mi bals" He says, as Brad is disintegrated to ash. Minilulz is still functional because fire does basically nothing to modern-day robots, mind you. Because there's nobody to drive it, however, Minilulz stays still on the flame pit and is. By definition, it is immobile.

Howler is active and things only go downhill from here folks. Pat's feeling pretty smug after what he just did, the bricks are busy putting on as entertaining of a match as bricks do (hint: not very). Howler trudges toward the other robots menacingly and they're all too chickenshit scared of their sub-5 armored meme machines getting smacked by an actual spinner with some actual weaponry because believe it or not, bricks haven't become the only design. Yet. For now. Everyone's avoiding Howler like he has cooties or something, until null makes the utter mistake of getting himself shoved into one of those blades by none other than LRA2 himself. Howler's newfound incel rage manifests as it goes full Elliot Rodger on Null's wedge, which straight-up flies off and gets embedded into the lexan. Hooray For Lexan(tm)! The rest of the so-called "robot" null spills out like a bunch of pinata candy on the ground which Ikea's Guard Dog swoops in to gobble up, shunting Howler across the arena using null as a meatshield.

Asciibot enters the arena. It trips on a microscopic dust particle. Asciibot exits the arena. This would normally be the part where a robot is declared to be OOTA, had Asciibot not rebounded itself into the arena. To update something I said earlier: we're playing the fishing minigame from Club Penguin, Pat's playing 57 dimensional Rick and Morty-themed Rummikub, Trihunter's playing baseball in the house. Thankfully he hasn't knocked over any fine china yet or mom would get pissed. Bullshit coming at null from all sides as IGD continues to feed it into Howler to destroy any evidence that it entered the arena to begin with. Nick is aggressively playing bagpipes. Asciibot slaps IGD on the ass and Mole gets ready to file sexual harassment charges after the fight.

Advanced robot shows up and for someone who was so anal about the entries being joke shit, his strategy sure is low-effort. He rams (cheekily, very specifically worded) MS. He also busts up null some more because hey why not. DC stops spinning to peruse Advanced Robot and Asciibot is still busy being completely uncontrollable when something... interesting happens. See, ramming damage is the midpoint between torque and speed. 1 torque + 27 speed = effectively 14 damage. Asciibot then hits the 4-armored DC. Needless to say, it doesn't end very well for DC! I don't think rammers are listed as having self-damage either, so it's technically in the clear despite the fact that it would have died 17 times over by now IRL. That's ARC physics for you. Oh yeah, and AR manages to get Pat's hoverbot out into the center of the arena. In turn, it grabs AR and teases to put it into the pit, before IGD fenders SGAL's bender and lands then both in there. Enough robots have piled up high enough in there that AR tumbles back out to safety while Sir Why Didn't You Bother To Put Wheels On Your Robot gets high-centered. No wheels no service.

Violent Paper Shredder immediately gets sicced on by IGD, and gets shoved into Mount Robot. VPS bounces into the air backwards and slides across the arena with it's drive half-broken, IGD eats a fat one and slides narrowly face-first into the pit. The impact causes both Sir I'm Getting Real Sick Of This Shit to stumble off and re-enter play, along with thoroughly breaking the other few bots in the pit. Sir I'm Not Typing Out Any More Of These Dumb Ass Names' luck doesn't last long. MS sees the opportunity and feeds the lucky boy right into Howler ass-first. Howler's more than happy to eat the booty out like groceries, and that it does as the victim has a painful robotic prolapse and dies.

He's finally here, performing for you, it's BIG RED CROC COCK FOR THE NINTENDO 69. Yeah... this is my own robot that Pat let me write for. Regardless, there's half the field in total left by the time this my robot's out and about. The others being Howler, MS, AR, VPS, and Asciibot. Asciibot grazes the weaponless side of VPS and turns it into a damn beyblade, which collides with AR and makes really cool, almost completely straight tear-marks up the wedge. Midnight Sun tries to take on Howler and gets a hole blown into it. Thankfully, Advanced Robot is in equally terribad shape. The two have a cool and good cripple fight that ends up in AR getting lifted and pushed out of the arena. Red Croc impacts with Howler. Red Croc impacts with Howler. The force generated between the two spinning weapons is so great that a rift in the time-space continuum is formed, dumping both of them off somewhere in the Oddestsey universe.

The drivers of the remaining 3 robots go "wow that was cool" and try to replicate it, kind of like that one kid who did the Naruto run everywhere. Asciibot rolls right up the back wedge of VPS and finally lands out of the arena. No, not that out of the arena, that out of the arena. Like, some guy in the audience catches it and brings it home for himself. Asbestossar then takes control of the still-somewhat-functional Minilulz and floors it right into VPS' drum. He runs off to do Asbe things while MS gives VPS one last ram which disables both Minilulz and VPS. And then MS gets totally wrecked when, uh... are there any other robots left? Shieeeeeet, I just made Avalanche win this thing didn't I? Oh well. Gj fam you won fair and square. :headache:

<div class='spoiler_toggle'>Results</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">
1. Dani California (Knockout at 8:35)
2. Minilulz (Driver disintegration at 5:49, actual robot knockout at 11:31)
3. sir grabs a lot (Knockout at 8:56, Knockin at 9:11, Reknockout at 9:21)
4. Mean Girl (Pitted at 5:15)
5. Midnight Sunderland (Winner&#33;)
6. null (Knockout at 6:41, abuse and necrophilia continues until roughly 8:11)
7. Ikea's Guard Dog (Pitted at 9:09)
8. Howler's last ride (Wormholed at 10:50)
9. ASCIIBot 2: Electric Sproutaloo (OOTA at 11:30)
10. advanced robot (OOTA at 10:39)
11. Violent Paper Shredder (Knockout at 11:36)
12. BIG RED CROC COCK FOR THE NINTENDO 69 (Wormholed at 10:50)

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